me

I don’t know how to start this. 

How much will I be able to write? (That, my friend, is a good question, I reply to that inner voice.)

Still, I have to think of something…

…

…ah! What about the age-old question that is my identity? I can write about self-enlightenment!

In terms of “shallow” enlightenment, I already know myself pretty well. 

• My favorite color is purple
• I love persimmons and apples
• I love reading and writing, specifically writing creative pieces

However, when it comes to the true me, I’m kind of lost. Whether I’m more lost than, say, the person next to me on the bus is up to interpretation, but I am lost. That, I know for sure.

I decided to start off with one of the easiest ways of self-enlightenment: figure out my MBTI personality type. At first, “INFP” was the four letters staring at me from on the screen. I was delighted, seeing as it seemed like I could finally get a sense of who I was—perhaps by doing more research on INFPs, I could figure out more of who I was. A few years later, though, I retook the test, and I got a slightly different result: INFJ. To me, it seemed like the guidance I had once thought I had was lost. Although this could be simply a result of me changing, this still stirred questions inside me as I thought about the two personality types.

Who am I, really? Why did I get INFP on the first test and INFJ on the second? Was it really me that was answering those questions, or was it the ideal me?

This MBTI “identity crisis” took me on a somewhat foggy journey of self-discovery. Even after a whole bunch of research about the two different personality types, I still got no answers. Finally, I decided to return to square one and remind me of what I do know about myself:

• I can be hard on myself, sometimes even unnecessarily so
• Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake choosing to learn how to play the piano…
• I have an inner child inside of me who still loves stuffies and figurines, although not so much playing with them anymore, but rather giving them histories of their own

I couldn’t write a novel with those points, but it gave me somewhere to jump off of, at least.

I scribbled this all down in an empty journal that I found lying around, and I must say that journaling sure did help. Of course, self-discoveries don’t happen every day—no matter how much I wish it was like that—but journaling has led me down new paths, new trains of thought, new wonderings. I write them all down, of course. Sometimes I go back and reread them, musing over the words. A realization that had not occurred to me at the time occurs now as I am rereading, or perhaps my mind just goes off on another tangent. When a part of the puzzle that is me clicks into place, I write it down with satisfaction, with something that feels like triumph.

• A sense of direction, purpose, etc., is essential to my happiness—without one, I lack something to drive my actions in life.
• I learn new things because they have some sort of meaning for me, not because I want to be able to brag about it.
• I wish for meaningful relationships where I know that people actually care about me, not relationships where we just stick together because none of us have anything better to do

As I write, I wonder what parts of me are authentically me and what is only made truth by society. Who would I be if I was more unreserved? What type of person would reveal themselves?

• I struggle with holding together relationships because I form an emotional wall around me…
  • If I spend too much time away from a friend, the next time I see them, well, they become like a stranger to me again. A familiar stranger, but a stranger nonetheless.
  • Honestly, I think befriending me is like a test that I subconsciously give out. If one can pass the test of time, then I feel comfortable enough to start opening up.
• Usually, I am very hesitant when it comes to letting anyone into my innermost world.
• One of my biggest wishes is to actually mean something to someone. I want to know that if I leave their lives, my presence will be noticed.

I wonder if I’ll ever change. Will I ever befriend someone faster? Can I make that test of time easier to pass?

Oftentimes I wish the world was different. Gentler. More accepting. Fewer lies and more honesty. And hey, will you look at that: I made another self-discovery just from writing this:

• Connections mean a whole lot to me. Deeply personal, deeply treasured, I want to make sure that the bonds I do form will make me feel welcome and safe, will change my life in a good way. All that stuff.

So, tell me, why are you writing this then? One may wonder, their eyes briefly pausing on the page. Why pour so much of yourself out? 

Well, if I can’t share so easily in person, perhaps it’s about time I try a change of tactics. After all, staying so reserved all the time doesn’t seem to be working, and if I want to make connections, I have to change that. Or at least do something to help myself. Put a few bits of myself that I feel comfortable sharing out into the world, let society read it over and process this information, and then do with it what they will. Maybe one day, when I look back from a preferably-more-socially-successful me, I’ll become re-enlightened with who I was and how far I’ve become.

I might not know how to start this piece, but I do know what I want to say in closing: (and if you did manage to read this far, I sincerely thank you.) The process of self-enlightenment is a painstakingly long journey, filled with many ups and downs, hopes that turn out to be worth nothing, and eyes widened in realization and understanding. This journey is frustratingly slow for a person like me, yet solemn and thrilling at the same time…I wonder where mine will take me?

*Cover Image Citation: Stäger, Raphael. “Eye Merging with Island.” InnerSelf, Unknown, https://innerself.com/personal/spirituality-mindfulness/religions-a-beliefs/3947-enlightenment-what-is-it-by-osho.html